In ages past, in the dark years, there was a blight upon the land. This blight came in the form of a thief. The thief struck when there were none around to harry him, stealing the hard-won foodstuffs of the people of the Tower, the people of BSFFA. The people went hungry for the thief spared none: his hungers were for meat and cheese, sweets and sandwiches, desserts and dinners, even unto the soda and the very milk, nothing was safe.
And so the people cried out for a hero and the Schwa answered them. "I shall go forth and do battle with the thief," he said. "But how, Great Schwa," they asked, "will you battle the thief when none know who he is?" And the Schwa said, "Watch and I will teach you."
Schwa journeyed forth to the land of Cub and there did he obtain the first of his weapons. Then he traveled to the barony of CVS and obtained the second. Finally, to the duchy of the AV Department did he sojourn, where he squired in return for his bed, board, and tuition; and from the deepest dungeon of the duchy he requisitioned his third weapon, signing the form that would leave him liable if he did not return the equipment by Thursday.
Then the Schwa brought his three weapons together and laid the greatest trap ever known to the people of the Tower. "Clear out the fridge!" declared Schwa. And though there was much complaining and gnashing of teeth they obeyed. Such was their trust in Schwa the Great. Then the Schwa laid his weapons in place:
Within the fridge he placed his first weapon: a collection of food of every kind, to whet every appetite, and every beverage that he could afford for this venture.
Next, he took his second weapon, and dosed each food with great quantities of laxatives. Surely whoever drank that chocolate milk would count himself fortunate to have any bones left afterward!
Finally, he took his third weapon, and placed a rare camera (for this was in the dark ages, before digital cameras were common or well-known) and hid it in the ceiling tiles facing the fridge.
And then Schwa waited, as did we all. The lounge was kept empty, the lights off, tempting the thief. Would he strike?
He did! A video was found of a student from BSU creeping in, sneaking, walking in a manner that would be called comical. I cannot describe it in this tale; you will think it mere hyperbole but seriously, the guy looked like something out of a Little Rascals short the way he was trying to sneak in.
Armed with this video, Schwa demanded to speak with the thief's Advisor Residente, and with said Advisor demanded to speak to the thief.
"Behold," said Schwa, "proof of your misdeeds. You shall repay us for all that has been burgaled else we shall report you to the Dean. Your crimes are numerous and the debt not insubstantial. Think I too soft of stomach to press charges? I, the Schwa who captured your crimes on film? I have nothing better to do than make you suffer."
And lo, the thief made restitution, but then did he ask Schwa, "Am I to be punished further?" To which Schwa said, "Did you not drink of the chocolate milk?" then held forth the empty box of laxatives and proclaimed, "Your debt shall be paid tonight."
So ends this tale of the Schwa.