Manly
Alex presents the five manliest things ever:
5) Boxing
boxing came from an Ancient Greek combat sport called Pankration which was itself pretty manly. The only rule in pankration was that you couldn't gouge out your opponent's eyes with your bare hands but if you happened to it was considered polite to return them after the fight. Apparently this wasn't enough because in 1865 John Grahm Chambers, a very manly man himself, drew up the Queensbury rules (named after the rather manly Marquis of Queensbury who publicly endorsed the rules) which basically came down to one relevant aspect: wear padded gloves so men can hit each other even more.
Now men don't need to drink beer all the time, but there are limited alternatives. Scotch is a good one. Neat is best. Mixed drinks are acceptable but not if they come with a pink umbrella. Beer is a man's drink, no question. All men like beer. Blue collar man's men have Budweiser, sophisticate white collar men have Heineken, and effemenate gay men have fruity little microbrews with names like "L'Asse." In fact the only men who don't like beer are probably awaiting sex change opperations, not because they want to be women or are women in men's bodies but because they can't take the shame of being men who don't like beer.
3) Cooking With Fire
Many, many years ago cavemen went out hunting mammoths and saber tooth tigers. Have you ever hunted a saber tooth tiger? It's fucking hard. Ten cavemen go out, two come back. And one of them's in the stomach of the dead tiger. But the good news is the surviving caveman got to take the cavewomen of his fallen comrades. At least how it was supposed to work. Inevitably they said something along the lines of "buy me dinner" and, lacking prehistoric restaurants, the caveman would cook them dinner. At the time the only stoves were big fire pits so he'd cut up the tiger carcass, cut into steaks, and toss it on the fire. Meanwhile hte cavewomen made the salad that no one wanted to eat. Once the steaks were hot he'd pull it out with his bare hands which, as any barbeque chef will tell you, is the only real way to grill because tongs are for wimps who are afraid of a few burn scars. After eating the caveman would mate with ten cavewomen at the same time. He could do this because he just cooked with fire.
2) Mopping
Let's be clear here: there's only one way men clean and that's with a mop. Mopping is like having sex. You take this big stick and thrust it in a wet bucket, swirling it around, and pressing it in. Then it stops being like sex and you take the mop and rub around on the floor. But it's still manly. Women don't mop, they sweep which just pushes the dirt around. Men are tough enough that we'll take the dirt we just cleaned up, wash it off in stagnant water, then use the now dirty water to keep cleaning.
1) Growing Yams
Yams are a man's crop and you know it. Half of you need to stop reading this right now and go grow some frickin' yams.
5) Boxing
boxing came from an Ancient Greek combat sport called Pankration which was itself pretty manly. The only rule in pankration was that you couldn't gouge out your opponent's eyes with your bare hands but if you happened to it was considered polite to return them after the fight. Apparently this wasn't enough because in 1865 John Grahm Chambers, a very manly man himself, drew up the Queensbury rules (named after the rather manly Marquis of Queensbury who publicly endorsed the rules) which basically came down to one relevant aspect: wear padded gloves so men can hit each other even more.
Edit: Based on Dessa's "historical" observations I did some research. Turns out boxing is even more manly than I thought! From Wikipedia: "A Greek ruler named Thesus, who ruled around 900 B.C., was entertained by men who would be seated in front of each other and beat another with their fists until one of them was killed."4) Beer
Now men don't need to drink beer all the time, but there are limited alternatives. Scotch is a good one. Neat is best. Mixed drinks are acceptable but not if they come with a pink umbrella. Beer is a man's drink, no question. All men like beer. Blue collar man's men have Budweiser, sophisticate white collar men have Heineken, and effemenate gay men have fruity little microbrews with names like "L'Asse." In fact the only men who don't like beer are probably awaiting sex change opperations, not because they want to be women or are women in men's bodies but because they can't take the shame of being men who don't like beer.
3) Cooking With Fire
Many, many years ago cavemen went out hunting mammoths and saber tooth tigers. Have you ever hunted a saber tooth tiger? It's fucking hard. Ten cavemen go out, two come back. And one of them's in the stomach of the dead tiger. But the good news is the surviving caveman got to take the cavewomen of his fallen comrades. At least how it was supposed to work. Inevitably they said something along the lines of "buy me dinner" and, lacking prehistoric restaurants, the caveman would cook them dinner. At the time the only stoves were big fire pits so he'd cut up the tiger carcass, cut into steaks, and toss it on the fire. Meanwhile hte cavewomen made the salad that no one wanted to eat. Once the steaks were hot he'd pull it out with his bare hands which, as any barbeque chef will tell you, is the only real way to grill because tongs are for wimps who are afraid of a few burn scars. After eating the caveman would mate with ten cavewomen at the same time. He could do this because he just cooked with fire.
2) Mopping
Let's be clear here: there's only one way men clean and that's with a mop. Mopping is like having sex. You take this big stick and thrust it in a wet bucket, swirling it around, and pressing it in. Then it stops being like sex and you take the mop and rub around on the floor. But it's still manly. Women don't mop, they sweep which just pushes the dirt around. Men are tough enough that we'll take the dirt we just cleaned up, wash it off in stagnant water, then use the now dirty water to keep cleaning.
1) Growing Yams
Yams are a man's crop and you know it. Half of you need to stop reading this right now and go grow some frickin' yams.
