March 20th, 2006

Dance

An Open Letter

To the Girl in my Lindy Class Who Perpetually Reeks of B.O.,

I understand that dancing is a physical activity. I recently reached the point where my dancing has become energetic enough to require bringing a second shirt to change into in order to avoid offending my dance partners. However our class is not particularly strenuous. How you achieve this odor is a question for the ages. Truly it is one of the most powerful stenches I have ever encountered. The stench produced by your sweat glands can only be described by one word: gorfangamand. I don't know what that means but that's how bad it is. I had to invent a word to describe how bad you smell.

But the true mystery is where this odor comes from. I do not know. It clings to you when you arrive to class and only gets worse throughout the lesson. Are you that ignorant of one of the greatest inventions of the ages, a little bar of a product called, "deoderant." I would advise you to pick up a bar as quickly as possible. Allow me to rephrase: for the love of God get a bar. Were it not for my intense desire to remain a socially accepted member of the Madison swing group I would not only publicly present you with the bar next class but include a set of written instructions and diagrams to ensure you didn't screw up using it and apply it to your forehead by accident. Actually you probably should be applying it to your forehead anyway as when I say that you stink I mean all of you.

This is why nobody wants to practice with you before or after class. This is why nobody wants to partner with you when the lesson starts. For the love of God: deoderant. And probably do a better job showering, too.

Sincerely
Even if I'm the only one who said it, everyone is thinking it