September 7th, 2005


Just Like Highschool

I remember my senior year of highschool because it never felt like I was in highschool.

That's how I feel now.

Senior year was the year of waiting. Senior year wasn't about learning, it was about fulfilling requirements. It was about going out on school nights, seeing friends til eleven then chatting online til one in the morning because it didn't matter if I paid attention in my seven-thirty classes. It was about gaming each Friday to escape the township and driving down to New Hope each Saturday just to get away from it all. It was about learning to sword fight on parking garage roofs, about girls, about reading the books that made me who I am, and about connecting with friends as I'd never connected before.

And that's my life today.

College isn't about college for me anymore. I don't feel like a student and with my schedule I barely even go to class. I'm not here to learn, I'm here to fulfill requirements. At best I'm here to pick up trivia. Instead I go dancing every chance I get, I drive up to Madison to see vicalis and lerite, stay up til two-thirty in the morning watching Buffy, work out, eat, drink, piss, bartend, play video games, read Tom Wolfe, listen to jinxmurphy's music, go to frat parties, get drunk, swear off liquor, pack, unpack, repack, depack, get dressed, get dressed up, dress down, go in costume, dance, dance, dance, do anything except what I should be here for: study.

I'm not a student.

It's time to move on.

I don't think I'm scared any more.