June 14th, 2005



Today was my birthday. There was assorted bad stuff, such as being turned down for yet another job, finding out I have to spend tomorrow with a really irritating former friend that I thought I'd dropped, and some other unpleasant news. There was also really good stuff such as seeing Mr. and Mrs. Smith followed by a really good two-hour dinering session and talk with Reed. Then on the drive home I managed to get a 45 minute block of solid good driving music. Is there bad stuff? Yes, but right now it feels extraordinarily transient. If things don't work out it's not that I can deal with them; I already have. Whatever happens in the next few days, weeks, months, I know I'm going to be alright. As I said to Rookie, I feel very Zen.

I'm also looking for movie recommendations. If anyone can recommend films worth seeing, please list them here. They can be any sort (drama, action, sci-fi, horror) and of any quality, provided they are worth seeing. The one stipulation is please limit your suggestions to things I could find at a regular Hollywood Video.
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Michael and Depression

I saw Michael today and it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. We spent most of the time watching Phantom of the Opera during which he fell asleep thus eliminating the need for actual interaction for most of it. George Washington seems to have calmed him down somewhat, and provided we avoided talking politics I was able to recall what I originally liked about him.

Currently I'm feeling down about everything that should have gotten me yesterday. When Jessa and I dated she often accused me of repressing my emotions and I often wondered if that was the case. If so is this yesterday's depression coming to bite me in the ass? Is it a simple change of moods? Is it just feeling down for no reason? I'm neither bitter nor angry, both of which would be better as those are motivating emotions whereas I'm simply a loss what to do with this generic feeling of lousiness. I want to get out of the house and do something, but I've already been to Aikido tonight and I have no money for anything else. I want to have a beer or two with a couple of friends but none of my friends around here drink and even if they did I don't want to get together strictly for the purpose of drinking. And I want to stop making excuses and be productive.

Perhaps writing will hold the key?

Edit: Writing seems to have helped me sort things. I considred posting it, but it was written as a personal piece and I'm not comfortable just putting it out there, though if anyone does want a stream-of-conciousness look inside my head e-mail me. I think I just needed some self-pity time.