|A tale from the past
||[Dec. 22nd, 2010|01:20 am]
I am your elder and this tale was told to me by my elder, the Great Schwa, he who was once known as Evan Louscher. All glory to the Schwa. I will tell you the wisdom of the Schwa and how he championed the people and ended such nefarious wrong-doings. Then you too will know how to deal with thieves and cretins.|
In ages past, in the dark years, there was a blight upon the land. This blight came in the form of a thief. The thief struck when there were none around to harry him, stealing the hard-won foodstuffs of the people of the Tower, the people of BSFFA. The people went hungry for the thief spared none: his hungers were for meat and cheese, sweets and sandwiches, desserts and dinners, even unto the soda and the very milk, nothing was safe.
And so the people cried out for a hero and the Schwa answered them. "I shall go forth and do battle with the thief," he said. "But how, Great Schwa," they asked, "will you battle the thief when none know who he is?" And the Schwa said, "Watch and I will teach you."
Schwa journeyed forth to the land of Cub and there did he obtain the first of his weapons. Then he traveled to the barony of CVS and obtained the second. Finally, to the duchy of the AV Department did he sojourn, where he squired in return for his bed, board, and tuition; and from the deepest dungeon of the duchy he requisitioned his third weapon, signing the form that would leave him liable if he did not return the equipment by Thursday.
Then the Schwa brought his three weapons together and laid the greatest trap ever known to the people of the Tower. "Clear out the fridge!" declared Schwa. And though there was much complaining and gnashing of teeth they obeyed. Such was their trust in Schwa the Great. Then the Schwa laid his weapons in place:
Within the fridge he placed his first weapon: a collection of food of every kind, to whet every appetite, and every beverage that he could afford for this venture.
Next, he took his second weapon, and dosed each food with great quantities of laxatives. Surely whoever drank that chocolate milk would count himself fortunate to have any bones left afterward!
Finally, he took his third weapon, and placed a rare camera (for this was in the dark ages, before digital cameras were common or well-known) and hid it in the ceiling tiles facing the fridge.
And then Schwa waited, as did we all. The lounge was kept empty, the lights off, tempting the thief. Would he strike?
He did! A video was found of a student from BSU creeping in, sneaking, walking in a manner that would be called comical. I cannot describe it in this tale; you will think it mere hyperbole but seriously, the guy looked like something out of a Little Rascals short the way he was trying to sneak in.
Armed with this video, Schwa demanded to speak with the thief's Advisor Residente, and with said Advisor demanded to speak to the thief.
"Behold," said Schwa, "proof of your misdeeds. You shall repay us for all that has been burgaled else we shall report you to the Dean. Your crimes are numerous and the debt not insubstantial. Think I too soft of stomach to press charges? I, the Schwa who captured your crimes on film? I have nothing better to do than make you suffer."
And lo, the thief made restitution, but then did he ask Schwa, "Am I to be punished further?" To which Schwa said, "Did you not drink of the chocolate milk?" then held forth the empty box of laxatives and proclaimed, "Your debt shall be paid tonight."
So ends this tale of the Schwa.
There are some slight inaccuracies I must correct, for the sake of posterity -- though your version is well told!
Schwa did not come up with the camera idea alone. It was was a group effort.
The camera was hidden in a box on top of the DVD/RPG books cabinet. It was a red box and had the holes in the side that formed handles. (I know because it was my box).
Schwa never confronted the student. The video was passed to Res Life, who ruled it couldn't be used as proof of anything because it's illegal to video tape people without their consent. Res Life did have a chat with the thief, however, to let him know the game was up.
No restitution was ever made: rumor (and this I cannot substantiate) was that the student had a child and was dirt poor and turned to thievery in desperation. Schwa later expressed some remorse over this, but it was still agreed: stealing is bad.
This story is why, for several semesters, there was a sign on the door of the lounge proclaiming the lounge may be under video surveillance.
Also worth mentioning (because this makes the story that much cooler) was that the student was caught by the very end of the tape. 30 minutes later and he wouldn't have been caught.
I can't verify the kid thing, but I do know he was the only student I've ever seen where a prof would call him to remind him to come to class when he was late. (He was in my Bio Issues: Emerging Diseases class).
Fascinating additions, both previously unknown to me. I shall have to incorporate them into a revised edition. This tale, as told above, is how I recall it was passed on to me as part of oral tradition, but a friend (also in Beloit) needed help dealing with a food thief of her own and it seemed a fine time to pull it out of the annals of memory.
2010-12-22 07:55 pm (UTC)
I am thrilled...
I am thrilled to see our shenanigans living on in memory and tradition, and don't expect they will all be told accurately (or even that I remember them accurately!)
I am really glad that you shared it -- I've often wondered if the video surveillance warning is still on the door of the lounge...
Obviously the reality makes it less of a fun fairytale. But I enjoyed the story. I think I heard something like it once upon a time...some other senior, when I was a wee freshman, made mention of dosing chocolate ice cream with laxatives.
I think this was either Becca or M'ris- I don't remember.
This sounds familiar. Sounds more like M'ris (she preferred to avoid direct confrontation. We all know how meek Becca is). I can't recall if this was a merging of two stories or if it was a separate incident inspired by the first.
It was told to me as a separate incident that M'ris had. May have actually been a retelling of the story, but I was told it was seperate.
Thank you and bless you heart, Alex. Truly such a tale of valor and cunning will be passed down through the ages. For who of the younger generation can possibly comprehend a time when a digital camera was rare and expensive?
I wouldn't mind having a whole book of Beloit-related epics and fairy tales. We would include the tale of Lain: Foul Vanquisher of Pawns, The Day of the Freshman Victory of Rush BSFFA, and perhaps even The Litany of Highlander Assassin Duels.
I would enjoy this!
I don't know how well the book would go over, but perhaps we should write up these tales and post them to the BSFFA History gruop.
That would be great.
I wonder if I'm remembering the same Freshman Victory, or if there has been more than one...
Agreed, a BSFFA fairy tale book would be fantastic! Get on it, English majors!
I remember this.
I don't remember it being *quite* that epic the first time around, but I remember this. :)